Thursday, December 30, 2010


At this very moment in my life I have never felt more alone then I do right now. Since the first day I moved back in to my place after Jarod was killed I felt this overwhelming feeling of alone. I tried to find things to do to keep myself occupied but nothing seemed to help. I started running alot and being at the gym all the time but nothing I did seemed to get rid of the feeling. I started hanging out with a friend of a friend and I just felt guilty so I agreed to just be friends with him. Its been almost 2 years now since Jarod has been gone and I feel more alone now then when he was killed. I cant let myself get close to anyone because it just doesnt feel right. Most of my friends have other things to do so I'm just left to try and do things myself. I feel like there were so many people there after Jarod was killed and now I have no one. If any of my friends read this they would all be like well all you had to do was ask...Why do I have to ask? True friends are there because they know something is wrong. True friends wasnt to be part of your life whether they have other things going on in their lives or not. Not once this Christmas season did any of my friends ask if I was doing ok, not once did anyone ask if I needed to talk or if I was having a hard time. I guess part of that is my fault cause well I'm very good at putting on a pretty face and going on with my life like nothing is wrong. I'm just so sick of being by myself all the time. There hasnt been a time I hated the guy that hit Jarod more then this moment right now. He took everything away from me. By now Jarod and I would be married and possibly have a baby. And there is nothing more I want in my life right now then a sense of normality. Unfortunately I'm the farthest I could be from it. I wanted 2011 to be better then any year I've had in a really long time, I was going to make it better, I was going to make sure it was amazing! Well I just dont see that happening anymore. I'm going to try my best but I have a feeling its going to end up just the same as this year, I will most likely spend most of my time alone, at my house with my dog. Its not as easy as it is for all my friends to go out and have a good time and they just dont understand that, but it would be nice if anyone at least tried!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

catch up

Its been almost a year since the last time I updated this. Wow where to begin... well a second Christmas has passed with out him. This year was just as hard as last. I was doing really well there for several months. I started seeing someone this summer. I thought at the time he was really amazing, turns out he was the biggest waste of my time I've experienced in a long time. Where I thought he understood he really didnt. I have to say he was really good at pretending though. Found out on my birthday this year he was cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. Oh well life goes on I suppose. Life will never be the same without Jarod here. There is this void I feel like I just cant fill, no matter what I put there. I've really been having a hard time the last month, not sure what the cause of it is, stress maybe. I feel more alone then ever, my friends and family are there and everyone keeps trying to help me but for some reason I feel like I'm slipping farther and farther away. I feel like no one gets it, no one understands, and the few that do are dealing with the same thing and I dont want to bother them. I've tried so hard these days to "fix" myself. I hate the continuous failing feeling I have all the time. I always one step behind where I need to be, inches from the finish line, everything right within my grasp and I just cant get it. I feel so incredibly screwed up, crazy, like I cant believe I still feel like this. Sometimes I think I should be ok by now, that yeah its hard but I need to go on with my life. I've tired dating lately went out with a few guys. They were really nice and sweet and kind but they just arent Jarod and I know I'm never going to find Jarod again but I just cant shake the feeling I have that its not the same. Even Ryan who I dated this summer, I enjoyed the escape of not having to deal for a few months but then it all just came crashing down. I went to the cemetery a few months back, alone, which i know I'm not supposed to but sometimes I just need to be there. I sat for over and hour and just talked to him, cried to him, asked him to help me be ok again. I've really questioned my faith this past year. I just dont know what its going to be that brings me back. I'm so angry with God that I'm questioning whether or not he is even real. The very last time I prayed to God was the night before Jarod got killed. I asked him to keep Jarod safe and to help fix things between us, to make us what we were before. I woke up the next morning and was told he was dead. It just doesnt make sense that if he cared so much that the one thing I would ask for I would get the opposite. I'm bitter, I'm bitter and pissed off and nothing anyone says to me makes that any different. I've gone to church a few times but I go cause it means something to my mom. I only go for important events like Easter and Christmas but I dont participate and I dont pray. The only thing that keeps me holding on to any belief is the thought that I if its all not real then I will never be able to see Jarod again, that when I talk to him I'm just talking to myself, that when I feel something there its not him. I dont want to believe it and I wont, but at the same time I dont want to believe that a loving and all powerful God would let something terrible happen to such an amazing person.
I transferred schools this year. Started at The University of Akron this fall. One of the biggest reasons I transferred was because thats where Jarod went to school. Thats where he graduated the academy at. Id never tell anyone else that, I always just tell them its cause I hate Kent State which I do but that wasnt the reason I left. I find myself clinging to every little piece of Jarod these days like I can feel him slipping away. I know he isnt cause I still feel just the same about him. I guess when they say you dont realize what you have till its gone they mean it. I really should be making more out of life right now. These are supposed to be the best days of my life right now. I'm able to go out and have a good time and not have to worry as much about responsibilities of life and yet all I want to do is stay home and be a home body. I started running again which really seems to help. As I think I've said before running is my release. I start and nothing else matters, I'm in a totally different world. The physical pain doesnt bother me cause the emotional pain is so much greater. I've become numb to alot of good things these days. It just doesnt seem fair that all I can feel is pain and sadness. There are very few times I feel truly happy anymore. I just wish for a few hours I can feel like I did before we lost him. Thats all I want, a few hours of normality again. Maybe this next year I will find out how to do that.

Sunday, February 7, 2010


Two nights ago I was so utterly upset I didnt know what to do with myself. I feel like I've been moving backwards these days. I dont know what is causing it, if anything I feel like life has gotten a little better, I've less stressed then I have been in the last several months. Things are going good for me. At least I think they are, but something is there that I havent ever felt before. Something I could deal with I guess if I just knew what was triggering these moments. I went from going days without breaking down into tears to doing it 3 or 4 times a day again. No one really gets it. I try to put in a strong face for everyone around me but I'm really having a rough time the last few weeks. Everything I did before to make me feel better doesnt help. I started working out again which helped me so very much after Jarod was killed. It used to be my escape, when I was running I wasnt trapped in that world of hurt and pain I was free and happy. Its still my escape but instead of being alright and feeling better after I dont I go right back to feeling helpless. I'm so lost. I cant explain it, nothing makes the pain stop. Being alone sucks, and its just gotten worse. I used to be ok by myself, I had stuff I could do to keep myself busy, there was even a period there where I felt I could relax and just enjoy alone time but these days I have reverted back into my panic attacks about being by myself. Two nights ago I did something I told myself I wasnt going to do. I took my sleep meds that were given to me right after Jarod was killed. I was so upset and so worked up that I just didnt want to feel that way anymore and I figured if I could just sleep Id be ok. I only took half of the amount the doctor told me to, I hate taking meds. I told myself I didnt need those stupid pills, I told myself I was stronger then that and I wouldnt take them. I had to break the seal on the bottle. I hate myself for taking them. I just didnt want to hurt anymore. I know that it would probably help to go and see a doctor about how I feel but I dont have insurence and wont be able to pay for something like that. I just dont understand it, and that makes it worse. I just want to feel ok again, I would even settle for not feeling at all. I would rather be numb then feel like this.

Friday, February 5, 2010

The little things

Anyone who is or has been in a relationship could tell you all the things that they love and hate about things thier significant other does. Everyone has a story about all the things that person did for them. My favorite were the little things. The text messages in the middle of the day just to day he missed me, the comments when I was finally in his arms about how beautiful I was or how much he loved me, the conversations we had before we fell asleep, the kisses you could just tell meant more then a normal kiss. I miss the way he looked at me. No matter what I was wearing, or how I had my hair, if I had makeup on or I didnt there was always that look. I missed being loved, being wanted. I fear I will never find that again. I fear that no matter who I get into a relationship with from this day on will never truely love me. I dont want anyone else to be Jarod, I dont want the same exact relationship Jarod and I had that was ours and ours alone. I think the one thing Jarod did for me that I loved the most was the one single rose he left in my car the night he borrowed it. Right before we started dating he borrowed my car for a few hours, he brought it back and when I went out to get in it the next morning there on the passenger seat was the most beautiful and perfect red rose. When I say perfect I mean just that. It had no flaws. I still have it, when it finally did die we hung it up to save it, it still looks amazing. I just dont think I will ever find someone who is just so head over heals for me as Jarod was. I know that if I ever do get married again the day I walk down the aiel I will think of Jarod and what it would have been like to have that life with him.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

One year

Today marked one year. Wow is about all I can say. I woke up this morning for the first time at 5:30 the exact time he was killed. Part of me wanted to drive to route 8 to that spot, but I talked myself out of it. I cried myself to sleep last night knowing what today was. It still doesnt feel real, and I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I didnt stay at home last night, I just couldnt bring myself to wake up to that empty house much like I did that morning. I couldnt sit on the couch where my dad told me, and I couldnt walk through the hallway where I collapsed in tears after my dad had left. Every single emotion has never gone away in fact they are still right there just under the surface waiting for that moment to resurface. I go days even weeks with out being upset and crying now. Each day I find new strengths I didnt have before. I cant look past all the good thing that happen in my life this year. There have been several. I have a whole new bunch of friends that are there to look out for me. Its amazing to know how many people are there for me. Today was pretty rough at times. There was a ceremony at the memorial in Boston Heights. It was nice. Standing there in the cold I think was the hardest, not because of the cold but because all I had to do with close my eyes and there I was standing in the cemetery the day of his funeral. You could hear it that same calm that was there that day. Knowing how cold it was, feeling my body shake and not really caring. Just one of those things you never forget. After the ceremony I went with my parents and my sisters to the cemetery. Standing there was unreal. Its the first time I had been since September. I really wish I could go more often, there are days I would love to just go sit there and talk to him. Tell him about all the things that upset me in life and how much I really miss him. I had a friend tell me the other day that this day, this anniversary, this mark, its just a day we all choose to put emphasis on, that we need to move past mourning his loss and celebrate how he lived. And hes right, we need to be looking at all the wonderful things Jarod did with his life, all the lives he helped. He loved the kids. That was his favorite was the kids at the school. He was like a big kid himself so he connected with those kids like no one else. And his job, he lived for his job. I've never seen anyone love being a cop as much as he did. So I guess I end my thoughts on today on this one year mark as this, Jarod was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He would do anything in the world for you if you asked. His kindness and generosity will never be forgotten. I miss him more then any words could ever express. This year I'm going to try my hardest to continue his legacy, to make sure that no one ever forgets who he was and what an amazing man he was. Jarod you have my heart and always will, I love you!

Monday, January 18, 2010

The last time

I was thinking earlier today, thinking about what I was doing a year ago today. I went shopping with a very close friend of mine and we talked alot about the relationship between me and Jarod. See things werent totally back to normal yet but we were well on our way to being a happy couple again. I remember coming home and thinking how nice it would be to come home and Jarod be there again every night. That wasnt just my home it was our home. The whole reason I moved out was because Jarod and I were moving in together. Everything in that place we picked out together, right down to the stupid shower head he had to have. The paint, the couches, the tables all of it is this little piece of Jarod smiling at me. That night was the very last time I ever heard his voice. He called me and asked me if I wanted to go to see this comedian that was coming to Kent State. I told him I had to check and make sure what was going on with work but that would be fun. I also remember talking about shoes. Yes shoes! I had bought new shoes while I was our shopping and I wanted the same pair in black, haha he made a snide joke about me and my clothes and I told him that was enough making fun of me for one night. When I hung up the phone with him that night I smiled, it felt good to joke and laugh with him again. Little did I know it would never happen again. He text me later that night to tell me goodnight. I still have it saved. I wont delete it, just like I cant bring myself to take him out of my phone. His number is still saved and hes one of the first J names that comes up. When I layed down to bed that night I prayed. I dont find myself to be a super religious person but I do believe in God and I believe he created us all. I dont go to church every sunday and I dont pray every night but I believe that God understands and I will be forgiven. That night I prayed, I asked God to help Jarod and I, to help us work everything out and be together again. I prayed he would give me a sense of normal again, I just wanted everything to be how it was. I wanted Jarod with me forever I loved him. Little did I know it would turn around and be the opposite.

I truly dont understand why when I said I wanted a sense of normal God took away the one thing that I once had normal with, the one thing that I loved so very much. Why would he punish me and everyone else? I guess I will never know what the reason behind all of this is. I dont think anyone will. I know it sucks, and it still hurts just as bad as it did a year ago. As I sit here, midnight just minutes away, all I can think about is that a year ago Jarod was alive and he would be alive for another five and a half hours. The thought brings tears to my eyes, I hate thinking if he had just waited another minute before getting out of his car, of if the driver had left just a 30 seconds late, or if that accident had never happen he wouldnt have been clearing debris. I guess I could drive myself crazy with everything that could have happen. Midnight, its officially January 19th 2010, a year ago today I lost my best friend and someone I loved with all my heart. Always & Forever Jarod<3