Weakness

Two nights ago I was so utterly upset I didnt know what to do with myself. I feel like I've been moving backwards these days. I dont know what is causing it, if anything I feel like life has gotten a little better, I've less stressed then I have been in the last several months. Things are going good for me. At least I think they are, but something is there that I havent ever felt before. Something I could deal with I guess if I just knew what was triggering these moments. I went from going days without breaking down into tears to doing it 3 or 4 times a day again. No one really gets it. I try to put in a strong face for everyone around me but I'm really having a rough time the last few weeks. Everything I did before to make me feel better doesnt help. I started working out again which helped me so very much after Jarod was killed. It used to be my escape, when I was running I wasnt trapped in that world of hurt and pain I was free and happy. Its still my escape but instead of being alright and feeling better after I dont I go right back to feeling helpless. I'm so lost. I cant explain it, nothing makes the pain stop. Being alone sucks, and its just gotten worse. I used to be ok by myself, I had stuff I could do to keep myself busy, there was even a period there where I felt I could relax and just enjoy alone time but these days I have reverted back into my panic attacks about being by myself. Two nights ago I did something I told myself I wasnt going to do. I took my sleep meds that were given to me right after Jarod was killed. I was so upset and so worked up that I just didnt want to feel that way anymore and I figured if I could just sleep Id be ok. I only took half of the amount the doctor told me to, I hate taking meds. I told myself I didnt need those stupid pills, I told myself I was stronger then that and I wouldnt take them. I had to break the seal on the bottle. I hate myself for taking them. I just didnt want to hurt anymore. I know that it would probably help to go and see a doctor about how I feel but I dont have insurence and wont be able to pay for something like that. I just dont understand it, and that makes it worse. I just want to feel ok again, I would even settle for not feeling at all. I would rather be numb then feel like this.

The little things

Anyone who is or has been in a relationship could tell you all the things that they love and hate about things thier significant other does. Everyone has a story about all the things that person did for them. My favorite were the little things. The text messages in the middle of the day just to day he missed me, the comments when I was finally in his arms about how beautiful I was or how much he loved me, the conversations we had before we fell asleep, the kisses you could just tell meant more then a normal kiss. I miss the way he looked at me. No matter what I was wearing, or how I had my hair, if I had makeup on or I didnt there was always that look. I missed being loved, being wanted. I fear I will never find that again. I fear that no matter who I get into a relationship with from this day on will never truely love me. I dont want anyone else to be Jarod, I dont want the same exact relationship Jarod and I had that was ours and ours alone. I think the one thing Jarod did for me that I loved the most was the one single rose he left in my car the night he borrowed it. Right before we started dating he borrowed my car for a few hours, he brought it back and when I went out to get in it the next morning there on the passenger seat was the most beautiful and perfect red rose. When I say perfect I mean just that. It had no flaws. I still have it, when it finally did die we hung it up to save it, it still looks amazing. I just dont think I will ever find someone who is just so head over heals for me as Jarod was. I know that if I ever do get married again the day I walk down the aiel I will think of Jarod and what it would have been like to have that life with him.