Thursday, December 31, 2009

A new year

Wow what a year 2009 has been. One year ago today I sat thinking about the how I wanted 2008 to be over because it had been a crappy year, when in fact 2008 wasnt such a bad year looking back now. Not after this last year. 2009 has so far been the worst and toughest year I have ever had to go through. I started the year off losing Jarod and from there things just seemed to go down hill. Work was terrible to me, I ended up quitting that job for another one thinking it was better until I got layed off. I've spent the better part of the year just trying to make it. I've made alot of friends this year but I lost my best friend and a few I thought were close. One of my closest friends and I quit talking earlier this year after something happen between the two of us. We started talking and hanging out again a few months ago, and having her just even to talk to and vent to has been such a help the past few months. This still arent back to how they were, I least I dont think so. I have a really hard time talking to her about anything to do with Jarod. I dont talk to to many people about things with Jarod. Its just not something I feel I cant talk to alot of people about. I have my family and a few other people that I can really talk to about anything.

This time of year everyone is making new year resolutions, and as I was thinking about mine last night I had a total break down. I found myself sitting on the floor next to my bed staring at a picture of Jarod and crying. Instead of thinking of all the things for the up coming year I kept thinking about all the things that happen last year. Its really hard to think of all the things to come not knowing if they will be good or bad. So I thought some more today and my resolution this year is this...I'm not going to take anything for granted. I'm going to live up every moment like I'll never have another. I'm going to spend time with old friends and strive to make new ones. I'm going to make memorys I can talk about for years to come. I'm going to take chances and strive to be better at everything I do. It might sound like alot but in the end its all the makings for enjoying life. So thats my new years resolution, in 2010 I'm going to enjoy life. Thats what Jarod would want me to do and I know he will be standing next to me every step of the way. So Bring it on 2010 after this year I feel as though I could over come anything!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A new perspective

I sat down with a very close friend last night, someone I havent seen in a long time. Someone I've told just everything and whos opinion I value a great deal. We both have been through alot in many different ways but in the end this person seems to find hope when all else is lost. I've been going through alot the past month, well alot more then I'm already dealing with. I still find myself lost in the middle of the day when I'm staring off into no where hoping and praying the past 9 months were just a terrible nightmare and at any moment I'm going to wake up and be alright. Unfortunately they havent been and everything has been real and the normal stresses of life have finally started catching up to me. On top of everything I've always worried about I have a few new things to add to the list. As I'm sure all may know back in May I quit a very good full time job because my manager at the branch I worked at used a very rough time in my life to get back at me for something that happen long before that. Thats a story for another blog I suppose, but not something I'll go into detail about now. So I quit my job and as many people do I worry about money and making it, keeping my car, having heat and electric, you know all the basics. While my parents would never let something bad happen and they would do all in there power to make sure I didnt go hungry and made sure I had the things I needed I have always felt I needed to do it on my own. To prove to everyone that I could, that I didnt need anyone else to have the things I wanted and needed. I did get another job before quitting mine, not a full time one but one based around my major in school, one that could possibly benefit me in the future. My Parents also decided to take a chance with a second family owned business opportunity, a gas station and auto repair place, and they wanted me and my sister to be part of it. So here I was with all these things finally coming together so I thought. Things went well for the better part of the summer, the counseling place I worked at was going great, I fit it well and caught on quick. I was told I was very good at what I was doing and that I had great potential for things in the future! Things with the family businesses were going well, the gas station stayed steady and things at the machine shop were beginning to pick up again, which was a very good and very bad thing at the same time. We hadnt hired a mechanic yet, dad was doing all the work and when things at the machine shop picked up he had to concentrate on that so there was a month or so we were super slow at the station. We had to turn away work because dad didnt have time to do it. It eventually put a large financial burden on the gas station and well gave me one more thing to worry and stress about. I've always worried about my parents and money, things got rough when I was much younger and I watched my parents stress out about money and things worked out in the end. I dont ever want to have to see them go through that again, and when stuff started getting rocky this time it just brought back those feelings of being to little to be able to do anything to make stuff better. Well when it rains it pours, the counseling place had to cut back on hours and me being one of the last hired I was let go. There was some rather shady things done there also but again another story for another blog. So now that extra money I had was no more and things go even tighter. Things with the station are getting better slowly but surly they are looking up, we have hired a mechanic and its staying busy. School has been going well, I'm actually doing very well, but I always stress about doing better. Thats just how I've been for the past few years, I think having to pay for your education does that to you.

Theres a whole different aspect of the stress that is really what my friend and I talked about last night. Since the day I lost Jarod my out look on other peoples relationships havent been the same. Nor have I been able to let myself think about me in a relationship with anyone else besides Jarod. This sounds terrible but I have no sympathy for couples that break up over stupid reasons, girls that overreact about stupid things with their boyfriends, and I really dont have patience for high school drama. There are worse things that could happen, you could wake up every day and roll over to nothing, knowing what your looking for is never able to come back. When I look at losing Jarod it makes petty break ups seem like nothing. The thing I think I've had the hardest time with is the thought of me being in a relationship with someone else. A friend of mine introduced me to a guy she was very close friends with. I was very hesitant at first but everyone kept telling me its not like you have to date this guy you can just be friends with him and thats ok. So we hung out, I had a great time and we became close friends but I wouldnt let it be anything more then that. It didnt matter that we were only friends every time I left his place or he left mine or we parted ways after hanging out with friends I always felt like I was doing something wrong, I felt guilty like I was cheating. I fought with myself for months about this and it never failed on my car rides home I always ended up in tears thinking about what a terrible person I was. This guy did all in his power to just try and help me get through this rough time I was having. He really did some amazing things for me, like after a terrible week sent me the most beautiful flowers to work just to hopefully make me smile. Well I have to be one of the most terrible people in the entire world because I was so awful to this guy. I acted like the worlds biggest bitch and to this day I can say I am truly ashamed at how I acted. I actually yelled at him for the flowers at first because I thought I could stop him from having feelings for me, I thought if he just thought of me as a friend he wouldnt have done something like that for me. I was putting up a wall much like I did with Jarod at first because after everything I had been through I couldnt stand to be hurt again. Eventually not only did I snap but so did this guy, we both said somethings to each other that never should have been said. Things that you dont say because you mean them, things you say because your upset and didnt really think before you spoke. We went our different ways and life went on I guess. Somethings after the fact were said, me hanging out with other guys, even just guy friends upset him just a bit and more things you say because your angry and didnt think were said. He became friends with my family when we started hanging out and he continued to be friends with them when we parted ways. He was at my parents house one night about 3 weeks ago and neither one of us said anything to the other, I was so mad he was there and for the life of me I have no clue why. It brought back memories I'm not proud of from mine and Jarods relationship though. When Jarod and I broke up we acted much like this guy and I were acting. While Jarod was very close to my family and hung out over at my parents house often, I didnt like that and had the most childish fits when he would be there, I felt like he was trying to take them away from me. That was never the case but I tended not to think before I spoke at the time. I was seeing all the things I regretted with Jarod re-played right before my eyes. It all of a sudden became so clear to me what I was doing, making the same mistakes I did with Jarod. This certain guy and I made peace with each other that night. I want to learn from the things I did wrong with mine and Jarods relationship, and as much as I fight with the thought of being in a relationship with someone other than Jarod I cant ignore whats happening right now. I cant ignore the fact that this person reminds me so much of Jarod for a reason, what that reason is I might never know. We kind of just played it cool for a little while talked on the phone here and there and up until a few days ago hadnt seen each other since the night at my parents house. While talking to him on the phone the other day he asked if I wanted to go get something to eat and I agreed. We hung out and had a great time as we always did before. I'm very comfortable around this person I feel like he gets me. I dont have to be anyone other than me. When I left to go home that night I got in the car and started to drive waiting for the uncontrolling guilt to hit me. And then I realized for the first time since I lost Jarod I didnt feel bad for hanging out with another guy. I didnt feel like I was cheating because I enjoyed the company of another person. At the moment a song came on the radio that I can only take one way, as a sign. The song "whats left of me" by Nick Lache was playing, if you've never heard it you would have to look up the lyrics to understand why it seems like such a sign to me. For the first time in the past 9 months I felt at peace with the thought of letting someone else in. I dont understand what made me feel this way, I dont even know where it came from.

The friend I sat down with last night put a few things into perspective that I knew but maybe didnt want to believe. I tend to over think things and worry about things I have no control over. I stress about to many small aspects in life and when the big stuff hits I feel overwhelmed and dont know what to do. I need to not sweat the small stuff, and for once go with a feeling. I need to actually follow my heart this time and not let my head talk me out of it. I need to take the chance on letting someone else into my life. Jarod wouldnt want me to be alone and I know this, the thought of losing him such a short time ago still bothers me though. I dont want people to look at me like wow shes moving on already, how can she have truly loved him and just push it to the side and be with someone else. Thats not the case I loved Jarod with all my heart and a part of me will always be with him. Its something I just cant explain to anyone. Jarods mom told me not to long ago that I have my whole life ahead of me and I need to live it. So maybe I'll take her advice, maybe I'll worry about making me happy for once instead of stressing out about what everyone else thinks of me. Maybe I'll just go with this feeling and take a chance I guess it couldnt hurt. What do I have to lose? I dont think I could go any lower then where I've been. You never know this could be a way for Jarod to show me its going to be ok. I guess I just have to wait and find out.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Things I've learned

I've learned a lot in the past nine months that I maybe knew before but never truly understood. I've learned goodbyes will always hurt. Pictures will never replace having been there. Memories good or bad will bring tears, and no words will ever replace those feelings! I've learned no matter how many times I roll over in the morning hes never going to be laying next to me. No matter how many times the phone rings it will never be his voice on the other end. The darkness is temporary, but it always comes back. I've learned that life will never be the same. It may change its form but its still life. It is what you make it, and sometimes you have to change it to make it work for you. Its not perfect and it never will be, no matter what you do or how hard you try things you never wanted or expected are going to happen. I've learned that someday I might fall in love again, but theres still a possibility I wont. I know there are times life may bring me great joy but I'm sure I will have to endure sorrow again also. Without suffering there would be no compassion in the world, but I will never understand why some people suffer so much more than others. I've been told God never gives you more than you can handle, well I dont think thats the case. If it were true no one would ever take there own life. Some would say those people were just cowards, but until you've felt like you have nothing else to live for you can not judge those people only be there for them. I've learned depression is more than just feeling sad. It takes hold of your whole body. Its a pain greater then physical pain, you cant really say what hurts because it all hurts. You cant sleep or eat, at times it hard to breath and you feel as though this feeling will never go away. Lifes to short to wake up in the morning with regret, so you have to love the people who treat you right, forget about those who dont, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it, if it changes your life let it. Nobody said that this journey was going to be easy, they just promised it might be worth it!

Monday, October 12, 2009

The darkness

I hate nights like this. I hate the darkness and I hate being all alone. My dog helps a little, I dont feel quite so alone. I know hes here with me. Sometimes I can feel him there, but when the anxiety of being alone kicks in not even him being there can save me. This feeling washes over me and it almost feels like I am drowning. I cant sleep and its hard to breath. When I get upset its even harder to be here alone, but I know I dont have a choice. I havent had a break down in a while now. Not one of this stature. I have this unbelievable urge to go running, it seems to be a release to me in a way. When I'm running nothing else matters. I feel like I'm running to him like hes just around the corner and all I have to do is push myself a little farther. But it doesnt matter how far I push myself hes never there., and hes never going to be there. On nights when I'm really upset or had a really bad day I just want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him all about my shitty day. I still havent taken his number out of my phone. I got a new phone a few months ago and I added it right back in with all my other contacts. Every time I go looking for a J name there he is at the top of the list. Right after he was killed I just wanted to call him I wanted him to tell me it wasnt true, he was fine and he'd be home soon. But I couldnt do it, I felt like if he didnt answer it would seal that fact that hes gone. Seeing his name on the head stone when I went to the cemetery this last time was really tough. It made it so final. It was something I dont know if I was truly ready for. I still tell myself all the time that this is just one big terrible dream and I'm going to wake up any second, but even while I'm gasping for air, when I would normally wake up in a dream, I'm still there, stuck in the horror of it all , I cant wake up. Very few people truly understand me these days. I go from being on top of the world to hitting rock bottom in the blink of an eye. I've been really good for a while so I havent been writing. I dont want everything I always write to be these terrible depressing entries.Thats not my whole life but a large part of it for the last amost 9 months now. So maybe in the next week if things get better I'll tell you about the good things in my life. I guess every things not terrible, depressing and dark like these nights. I just wish I didnt have these nights, I can deal with break downs during the day but for some reason it always all comes out at night and it just doesnt feel like its going to end. I'm terrified to fall asleep. When I'm upset I'm always worried I'm going to have nightmares about that morning. I just dont want to relive it anymore. I'll never forget what happen and I'll never forget what it felt like to see him laying there, but when those feelings come back they are so real, they are too real, and I have a hard time finding a way to lock them back up again.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

8 months

Today marks 8 months. I hate thinking about it. I hate the fact that hes not here anymore. I hate being alone in our house every night when I know he should be there with me. I hate waking up every morning rolling over and finding no one there. Even though I know in my mind its not going to happen my heart is still waiting for him to walk through the door. As I look back and think about what would be going on now if he was still here it kind of makes me feel sick. Not sure if I mentioned it before but Jarod told my Mom, and several other people, that he was going to ask me to marry him on Valentines day this year. Which means if he was still here we would be planning a wedding right now. Sometimes I like to imagine what that day would have been like. I think about how I would have felt when he asked me, how I would have felt the day I walked down the isle towards him, would I have been scared to start this whole new life with him? I fight all the time with the reasons hes gone. I don't know how him not being here is the best thing. I was listening to the radio the other day and a song by Pink called "who knew" came on the radio, and it fits perfectly. Who knew this would happen? Who could ever imagine this would happen? Its turned not only my life upside down but so many others. I got to go to the cemetery today. Its the first time I've been since his birthday in April. Mike when with me since I couldn't go alone. Hes one of the officers at Boston Heights. Its the first time I saw his head stone, its beautiful! Standing there staring at that stone made it feel so final. Ive had a really hard time accepting that all this is real. Even at the calling hours and funeral I didnt want to believe it. The person laying in the casket just couldnt be Jarod. So now standing looking at this stone made me feel like this was it. There was his name just staring up at me. Mike and I stood there for almost an hour. I was pretty upset at first and as we stood there we started talking about all the things Jarod used to do. We swapped stories for a bit and we laughed and it made me feel not quite so upset. Tomorrow is the 1st annual Jarod M. Dean memorial ride. I really hope everything goes well, I know he would be so proud if he were still here.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I can feel him there

There have been several times since Jarod was killed that I could feel him near me. Yes I know it sounds crazy but i do. I talk to him all the time too. When ever I feel upset or frustrated I talk to him or if I do something really stupid I yell at him because I know hes laughing at me like he always did. If people saw me when I'm all alone at home you would really think I was insane. There will be nights I lay in bed and it just feels like someone is there in the same room with me. It really scared me at first because I live by myself, but after countless nights of getting up and sweeping the house to make sure no one was there I realized what it was I feeling, Jarod.

I practically lived with my parents for a month after Jarod died, I just couldn't stand to be at home by myself. I started sleeping on their couch but my sister made me a bed in her room on the floor which I like more because I was close to someone. I remember waking up Wednesday morning after everything happen. When I first opened my eyes I was looking at the TV. At first glace it looked like someone was standing in the corner of the room behind me. I closed my eyes and looked again, still the same image was reflecting off the TV screen. I knew right away what it was I was seeing. I wasn't scared I actually felt at peace. Calling hours started the next day so I hadn't actually seen him yet but there he was, in uniform like he always was when he would come seem me at night while he was working. It was almost like he was telling me he was ok, that I didn't need to worry he was in a better place now, he had a bigger job to do. I tried so hard not to blink, I didn't want him to go away but the minute I did he was gone. I really thought I was crazy after that, I thought losing Jarod had made me crazy. Could I want someone so bad that I was thinking I saw him? That wasn't the only time I thought I was crazy, in fact in the past 7 months I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind.

I go to school at Kent State, and for the past few years I have been taking night classes which I don't really like but you do what you have to. I was leaving class one night about a month after everything. I had got to school late and had to park in the visitors lot in order to get to class on time. There really was no one around, and it was dark, and very very cold. I was in such a rush to get to class I accidentally dumped my purse out in the car trying to get my stuff together. My dad had given me pepper spray which Jarod had always insisted I take everywhere with me! There was never a time I went anywhere and it wasn't in my purse or my coat pocket. Well sure enough when I knocked my purse over it fell out. There I was leaving class on one of the darkest coldest nights in February and I had nothing to protect me if something were to happen. I tried to walk quick and get to the car as fast as I could. As I walked down the hill I had this feeling someone was behind me. I kept turning around to find no one there, but the feeling someone was following me didn't go away. I suddenly felt a little bit warmer like someone had put their arms around me. I smiled and started to walk a little slower, I was no longer worried about someone following me.

I was given a poem, a few days before the funeral, from Jarods friend Chris. It was called Pennies from Heaven.

Pennies from Heaven
Today I found a penny,
Just lying on the ground.
But its not just a penny
this little coin I found.
Found pennies come from heaven
Thats what my Grandpa told me,
He said angels toss them down,
oh how I loved that story.
He said when an angel misses you
they toss a penny down.
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
and make a smile from your frown.
So don't pass by that penny
when your feeling blue,
It maybe a penny from heaven
that and angel has tossed to you!
Never in a million years would I think a poem was so true, until I experienced it. I find pennies in the strangest places now. I'll be looking at something look away and when I look back theres a penny. The very first time I found a penny after Jarod died I actually found 3. I was having a really bad day, I was cleaning my house and it seemed like I kept finding all these things that were Jarods. I was going through some laundry and putting clothes away when I found 3 pennies in the bottom of a drawer full of shirts. Of course I started crying even harder but I cried with the biggest smile on my face. Things like that happen all the time after that, I remember stubbing my baby toe on the edge of the couch leaving the house one day. I yelled super loud and said alot of bad words. As I jumped around I looked over and right in front of my TV stand was a penny, heads up just laying there. I remember looking up at the ceiling and saying "bastard! That wasn't funny" for the next 3 weeks every time I would start getting upset about something I would stub that toe again, he always did have that sick sense of humor. That's something I really miss, he always knew how to make me smile even when he had just pissed me off.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

My Story

Everyone around me keeps telling me I need to get some help. They tell me that they hate seeing me the way I am and I really should go talk to someone. I saw that a friend of mine had a blog that she used to help her deal with some things that happen in her life not to long ago and well here I am. I'm going to give this a try and see if getting my feelings out there doesn't help. So here goes....

Mom was the one that introduced me to Jarod. He was an officer here in Windham where I live. At first I shot Moms little hints about dating him down, he wasn't the kind of guys I normally dated. When I finally gave in and agreed to go out with him I experienced what it was like be around a good guy! He was nothing like I thought he would be I never in a million years thought I would ever date a cop. Jarod was one of the most amazing people I think I have ever met. He was totally in love with his job. Ever since he was little he always wanted to be a police officer, and he was good at what he did. His favorite was working with the kids at the schools. He was Windham's School resource officer and he did an amazing job at it. He ran Safety Town and even agreed to get pied for the carnival the PTO put on. I think the kids loved him as much as he loved them. I remember when he worked midnights he would come over after he got off work and talk to me while I got ready to go to work. My favorite days were when he wouldn't get to my house till just before I left, and when I asked where he was he would always say well I stopped up at the school and had breakfast with a few of the kids. The smile on his face was priceless. It made me think about the day we would have kids and what a great Dad he would be! Jarod and I had our ups and downs, I'm pretty sure we lived to fight with each other but I cant explain how happy that boy made me. We decided to move in together when my parents asked if we wanted one side of the duplex they owned. We had a great time getting everything together to move in. So many little things make me smile thinking about it all. Jarod haggling with the guy at the furniture store is one of my favorites he just had to have those couches. Things got pretty rough for Jarod and I and he decided not to move in. I still moved and he still came and stayed all the time I guess he just wasn't ready. But it didn't matter if he had officially moved in or not that was "our" place not just mine. Jarod got a job working for Boston Heights out on Route 8 new Akron. We broke up for a little while and it hurt but i got through just fine. Right after New Years we started talking and hanging out again. Now when I look back I wish I hadn't been so stubborn and let him back in earlier. I was so afraid of getting my heart broken again. Things were looking up and I knew within the month Jarod and I would be officially back together and things would be normal again. January 19th changed my life forever! I remember every little detail of that morning.It was a Monday, Martin Luther King day actually. I didn't have to work because the banks were closed for the holiday. A day to sleep in and do nothing, the last day I had before school started again. Me and the dog were all snuggled up in bed when the phone rang I remember looking at then clock it was only 8 then rolling over and looking at who was calling, it was Mom. Was she crazy its only 8 and I don't have to get up early today. I didn't answer I figured she just forgot I didn't have to work. I went back to sleep but only for about 20 minutes. There was a knock on the door and as always Bailey went crazy barking and running into the living room. I got up and grabbed my robe and went and answered the door, it was dad. He looked really upset and being half asleep I didn't really get that at first. He told me to come sit down with him he needed to talk to me, I noticed he was shaking. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said " Jarod was killed this morning". All at once I was awake and all these thoughts rushed into my head and I remember thinking "oh" and then it hit me, my mind grasped what my Dad had just said and all at once I was on my knees in my Dads arms. The tears came like waterfalls that never ended. My Dad said to get dressed and come over to the house. When he left I went and got my phone, I hit the speed dial and Holly answered her phone. "Hes dead Holly Jarods gone" I remember saying, " He was killed this morning" and at that very moment regret hit me. All the things I wanted him to know everything I ever wanted to say and never did were in my mind. I sat in my hallway in a ball and cried to Holly. She kept telling me I couldn't have regrets that no one ever thought this would happen. She told me she was heading into work but if she could she would leave early and come be with me, I told her ok and we got off the phone. That was the last time I really ever talked to Holly as my best friend. Bailey sat next to me with her head on my leg just looking at me. She crawled up in my lap and I just sat there and held her and cried. I finally got to my parents house and went up stairs I hugged Kelsey and then went in Lindsey's room. I crawled into bed with Lin and held her she was crying too. Kels came in and we all cried together. Mom had went with Windham's Police Chief to go and talk to the Chief Varga of Boston Heights. She got home and came to sit with us. I remember telling her I loved him over and over again. That he couldn't be gone cause I loved him. Then I got sick, I ran to the bathroom cause I thought I was going to throw up. I didn't but the thought was there, the sick feeling in my stomach wouldn't go away. Mom asked if I would like to go and see his parents and I said yes. I went back home and got dressed. She came and picked me up and then we went to Chris and Jason's first. They were friends of Jarod's, Jason is a cop and Chris is a dispatcher, both here in Windham. Jarod was actually the one that got them together, they got married this past June. Chris was the only one home, Jason was still at work. She took us upstairs and we sat in her kitchen. I remember being numb, I just sat there and zoned out. Jason came home and then mom and I left. We went to Jarods parents from there. we parked and walked to the house there was a Hudson Police car sitting in there drive way. He asked if we were family and I said " um well I'm his girlfriend" he shook his head and I walked to the house. Jarod brother John answered the door and invited us in. I went right over and hugged Marie Jarods mom, then I hugged Tom his dad. I didn't remember much of being at his house, I kept wanted to ask if I could go down stairs and sit in his room, but I didn't dare. We stayed for a little while and then we left. My phone rang all day, phone calls and text messages from everyone telling me how sorry they were for what happen. People I hadn't talked to since high school some how found ways to contact me and tell me they were there for me if I ever needed anything. The rest of the day is kind of a blur, in fact the rest of the week was kind of a blur. Little things stand out and I remember then very clearly. That Thursday was the first day of calling hours. Mom went with me and we met the family at the funeral home before everything started so we could have a chance to see him before everyone else got there. I remember walking in and one thing that stuck in my mind was when the funeral home director asked said " we did the best we could but we ask that you don't touch his face" My heart sunk again, I didn't think it could get any lower. The director opened the doors and I heard Jarods mom start crying again. I was shaking, so hard I could barely walk. I couldn't see his face yet there were other people standing in front of me. Then someone moved. I looked up and there he was, just laying there. I spun around and closed my eyes, that wasn't him, it couldn't be. My mom was holding me and I was crying again even harder then before. I turned back around and walked up to the casket. I looked at him for what seemed like hours. It wasn't him it just didn't look like him, and I kept telling myself this was just a really bad nightmare and I was going to wake up at any moment. I never woke up needless to say. I went and sat in the front row of chairs and just stared, I was in that zone out mode again. People started to come in and John, Jarod's brother came and asked if I would like to stand up in line with the family, I didn't know what to say. I felt part of their family at that moment. I stood up next to John all day, and the next day. I met so many officers from across the state, there were officers from so many other states too, even officers from Canada came! I met Chief Varga and all the guys from Boston Heights. They kept telling me how much Jarod talked about me. I found out from not only them but also my mom, sister and Chris that Jarod was going to propose to me on Valentines day. I couldn't believe it at first, with everything going on it just made my heart hurt worse. The day of the funeral came I want ready for this. I never took my coat off I remember just being cold. There was a little service at the funeral home and then everyone was to pay there last respects before they closed the casket. I went up almost last as I stood there I tried to make the time stand still, this time it seemed like the fasted minute of my entire life. I leaned over and whispered " I love you Jarod, with all my heart, and I always will" , then I kissed him for the very last time. We went to the church and when we pulled in I couldn't believe all the police cars. There were officers there from just about every department in the area. Out of state officers, there was even a U.S. Marshal there. There were news crews there in front of the church I was hoping they wouldn't be aloud inside, and they weren't. After the church we left and followed the most amazing precession I have ever seen. They blocked off on ramps, and roads. People stood outside with signs that said all sorts of things like RIP Officer Dean, You will be missed, Never forgotten, there was even an older man standing on the side of the road who saluted the car and it drove by. As we turned into the cemetery there were two fire truck with their cranes up and attached to the middle was a flag. As we stood out there while the last few words were said I remember shaking because I was cold but I couldnt really feel the cold. Bagpipes played amazing grace a song I can never hear played by bagpipes with out losing it, and then taps. Gun shots were fired and his last call. I walked up to the casket and placed the rose someone had given me on top, I kissed my hand and layed it on top. John came and gave me a hug and told me Jarod would be so proud. I didn't eat for the better part of a month and well I still don't sleep good at night. They recently just layed his stone I haven't been to see it yet. The Cemetery he is at is surrounded by a not so great neighborhood so I was told I can never go alone. I hate that! Some days I just wish I could go and sit there and be alone with him. I'm going to get my CCW soon and then maybe everyone will lay off and let me go alone. I'm getting better, I really am. I can talk about him without completely losing it now. I've stayed in touch with his family which helps a lot too. My sister Lindsey and I are closer then we've ever been. Life is still rough at times but with my amazing family and my friends I have learned to start living again. Jarod was killed January 19th 2009 at 5:30 in the morning. He was clearing debris out of the road from a previous accident when a box truck struck him. He died instantly. I feel as though my heart will never beat the same, and life will never be quite as sweet as it was, but it will go on. I will always have my angel watching over me until we finally meet again.