Tuesday, January 19, 2010

One year

Today marked one year. Wow is about all I can say. I woke up this morning for the first time at 5:30 the exact time he was killed. Part of me wanted to drive to route 8 to that spot, but I talked myself out of it. I cried myself to sleep last night knowing what today was. It still doesnt feel real, and I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I didnt stay at home last night, I just couldnt bring myself to wake up to that empty house much like I did that morning. I couldnt sit on the couch where my dad told me, and I couldnt walk through the hallway where I collapsed in tears after my dad had left. Every single emotion has never gone away in fact they are still right there just under the surface waiting for that moment to resurface. I go days even weeks with out being upset and crying now. Each day I find new strengths I didnt have before. I cant look past all the good thing that happen in my life this year. There have been several. I have a whole new bunch of friends that are there to look out for me. Its amazing to know how many people are there for me. Today was pretty rough at times. There was a ceremony at the memorial in Boston Heights. It was nice. Standing there in the cold I think was the hardest, not because of the cold but because all I had to do with close my eyes and there I was standing in the cemetery the day of his funeral. You could hear it that same calm that was there that day. Knowing how cold it was, feeling my body shake and not really caring. Just one of those things you never forget. After the ceremony I went with my parents and my sisters to the cemetery. Standing there was unreal. Its the first time I had been since September. I really wish I could go more often, there are days I would love to just go sit there and talk to him. Tell him about all the things that upset me in life and how much I really miss him. I had a friend tell me the other day that this day, this anniversary, this mark, its just a day we all choose to put emphasis on, that we need to move past mourning his loss and celebrate how he lived. And hes right, we need to be looking at all the wonderful things Jarod did with his life, all the lives he helped. He loved the kids. That was his favorite was the kids at the school. He was like a big kid himself so he connected with those kids like no one else. And his job, he lived for his job. I've never seen anyone love being a cop as much as he did. So I guess I end my thoughts on today on this one year mark as this, Jarod was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He would do anything in the world for you if you asked. His kindness and generosity will never be forgotten. I miss him more then any words could ever express. This year I'm going to try my hardest to continue his legacy, to make sure that no one ever forgets who he was and what an amazing man he was. Jarod you have my heart and always will, I love you!

Monday, January 18, 2010

The last time

I was thinking earlier today, thinking about what I was doing a year ago today. I went shopping with a very close friend of mine and we talked alot about the relationship between me and Jarod. See things werent totally back to normal yet but we were well on our way to being a happy couple again. I remember coming home and thinking how nice it would be to come home and Jarod be there again every night. That wasnt just my home it was our home. The whole reason I moved out was because Jarod and I were moving in together. Everything in that place we picked out together, right down to the stupid shower head he had to have. The paint, the couches, the tables all of it is this little piece of Jarod smiling at me. That night was the very last time I ever heard his voice. He called me and asked me if I wanted to go to see this comedian that was coming to Kent State. I told him I had to check and make sure what was going on with work but that would be fun. I also remember talking about shoes. Yes shoes! I had bought new shoes while I was our shopping and I wanted the same pair in black, haha he made a snide joke about me and my clothes and I told him that was enough making fun of me for one night. When I hung up the phone with him that night I smiled, it felt good to joke and laugh with him again. Little did I know it would never happen again. He text me later that night to tell me goodnight. I still have it saved. I wont delete it, just like I cant bring myself to take him out of my phone. His number is still saved and hes one of the first J names that comes up. When I layed down to bed that night I prayed. I dont find myself to be a super religious person but I do believe in God and I believe he created us all. I dont go to church every sunday and I dont pray every night but I believe that God understands and I will be forgiven. That night I prayed, I asked God to help Jarod and I, to help us work everything out and be together again. I prayed he would give me a sense of normal again, I just wanted everything to be how it was. I wanted Jarod with me forever I loved him. Little did I know it would turn around and be the opposite.

I truly dont understand why when I said I wanted a sense of normal God took away the one thing that I once had normal with, the one thing that I loved so very much. Why would he punish me and everyone else? I guess I will never know what the reason behind all of this is. I dont think anyone will. I know it sucks, and it still hurts just as bad as it did a year ago. As I sit here, midnight just minutes away, all I can think about is that a year ago Jarod was alive and he would be alive for another five and a half hours. The thought brings tears to my eyes, I hate thinking if he had just waited another minute before getting out of his car, of if the driver had left just a 30 seconds late, or if that accident had never happen he wouldnt have been clearing debris. I guess I could drive myself crazy with everything that could have happen. Midnight, its officially January 19th 2010, a year ago today I lost my best friend and someone I loved with all my heart. Always & Forever Jarod<3