Monday, January 18, 2010

The last time

I was thinking earlier today, thinking about what I was doing a year ago today. I went shopping with a very close friend of mine and we talked alot about the relationship between me and Jarod. See things werent totally back to normal yet but we were well on our way to being a happy couple again. I remember coming home and thinking how nice it would be to come home and Jarod be there again every night. That wasnt just my home it was our home. The whole reason I moved out was because Jarod and I were moving in together. Everything in that place we picked out together, right down to the stupid shower head he had to have. The paint, the couches, the tables all of it is this little piece of Jarod smiling at me. That night was the very last time I ever heard his voice. He called me and asked me if I wanted to go to see this comedian that was coming to Kent State. I told him I had to check and make sure what was going on with work but that would be fun. I also remember talking about shoes. Yes shoes! I had bought new shoes while I was our shopping and I wanted the same pair in black, haha he made a snide joke about me and my clothes and I told him that was enough making fun of me for one night. When I hung up the phone with him that night I smiled, it felt good to joke and laugh with him again. Little did I know it would never happen again. He text me later that night to tell me goodnight. I still have it saved. I wont delete it, just like I cant bring myself to take him out of my phone. His number is still saved and hes one of the first J names that comes up. When I layed down to bed that night I prayed. I dont find myself to be a super religious person but I do believe in God and I believe he created us all. I dont go to church every sunday and I dont pray every night but I believe that God understands and I will be forgiven. That night I prayed, I asked God to help Jarod and I, to help us work everything out and be together again. I prayed he would give me a sense of normal again, I just wanted everything to be how it was. I wanted Jarod with me forever I loved him. Little did I know it would turn around and be the opposite.

I truly dont understand why when I said I wanted a sense of normal God took away the one thing that I once had normal with, the one thing that I loved so very much. Why would he punish me and everyone else? I guess I will never know what the reason behind all of this is. I dont think anyone will. I know it sucks, and it still hurts just as bad as it did a year ago. As I sit here, midnight just minutes away, all I can think about is that a year ago Jarod was alive and he would be alive for another five and a half hours. The thought brings tears to my eyes, I hate thinking if he had just waited another minute before getting out of his car, of if the driver had left just a 30 seconds late, or if that accident had never happen he wouldnt have been clearing debris. I guess I could drive myself crazy with everything that could have happen. Midnight, its officially January 19th 2010, a year ago today I lost my best friend and someone I loved with all my heart. Always & Forever Jarod<3

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