Thursday, October 22, 2009

A new perspective

I sat down with a very close friend last night, someone I havent seen in a long time. Someone I've told just everything and whos opinion I value a great deal. We both have been through alot in many different ways but in the end this person seems to find hope when all else is lost. I've been going through alot the past month, well alot more then I'm already dealing with. I still find myself lost in the middle of the day when I'm staring off into no where hoping and praying the past 9 months were just a terrible nightmare and at any moment I'm going to wake up and be alright. Unfortunately they havent been and everything has been real and the normal stresses of life have finally started catching up to me. On top of everything I've always worried about I have a few new things to add to the list. As I'm sure all may know back in May I quit a very good full time job because my manager at the branch I worked at used a very rough time in my life to get back at me for something that happen long before that. Thats a story for another blog I suppose, but not something I'll go into detail about now. So I quit my job and as many people do I worry about money and making it, keeping my car, having heat and electric, you know all the basics. While my parents would never let something bad happen and they would do all in there power to make sure I didnt go hungry and made sure I had the things I needed I have always felt I needed to do it on my own. To prove to everyone that I could, that I didnt need anyone else to have the things I wanted and needed. I did get another job before quitting mine, not a full time one but one based around my major in school, one that could possibly benefit me in the future. My Parents also decided to take a chance with a second family owned business opportunity, a gas station and auto repair place, and they wanted me and my sister to be part of it. So here I was with all these things finally coming together so I thought. Things went well for the better part of the summer, the counseling place I worked at was going great, I fit it well and caught on quick. I was told I was very good at what I was doing and that I had great potential for things in the future! Things with the family businesses were going well, the gas station stayed steady and things at the machine shop were beginning to pick up again, which was a very good and very bad thing at the same time. We hadnt hired a mechanic yet, dad was doing all the work and when things at the machine shop picked up he had to concentrate on that so there was a month or so we were super slow at the station. We had to turn away work because dad didnt have time to do it. It eventually put a large financial burden on the gas station and well gave me one more thing to worry and stress about. I've always worried about my parents and money, things got rough when I was much younger and I watched my parents stress out about money and things worked out in the end. I dont ever want to have to see them go through that again, and when stuff started getting rocky this time it just brought back those feelings of being to little to be able to do anything to make stuff better. Well when it rains it pours, the counseling place had to cut back on hours and me being one of the last hired I was let go. There was some rather shady things done there also but again another story for another blog. So now that extra money I had was no more and things go even tighter. Things with the station are getting better slowly but surly they are looking up, we have hired a mechanic and its staying busy. School has been going well, I'm actually doing very well, but I always stress about doing better. Thats just how I've been for the past few years, I think having to pay for your education does that to you.

Theres a whole different aspect of the stress that is really what my friend and I talked about last night. Since the day I lost Jarod my out look on other peoples relationships havent been the same. Nor have I been able to let myself think about me in a relationship with anyone else besides Jarod. This sounds terrible but I have no sympathy for couples that break up over stupid reasons, girls that overreact about stupid things with their boyfriends, and I really dont have patience for high school drama. There are worse things that could happen, you could wake up every day and roll over to nothing, knowing what your looking for is never able to come back. When I look at losing Jarod it makes petty break ups seem like nothing. The thing I think I've had the hardest time with is the thought of me being in a relationship with someone else. A friend of mine introduced me to a guy she was very close friends with. I was very hesitant at first but everyone kept telling me its not like you have to date this guy you can just be friends with him and thats ok. So we hung out, I had a great time and we became close friends but I wouldnt let it be anything more then that. It didnt matter that we were only friends every time I left his place or he left mine or we parted ways after hanging out with friends I always felt like I was doing something wrong, I felt guilty like I was cheating. I fought with myself for months about this and it never failed on my car rides home I always ended up in tears thinking about what a terrible person I was. This guy did all in his power to just try and help me get through this rough time I was having. He really did some amazing things for me, like after a terrible week sent me the most beautiful flowers to work just to hopefully make me smile. Well I have to be one of the most terrible people in the entire world because I was so awful to this guy. I acted like the worlds biggest bitch and to this day I can say I am truly ashamed at how I acted. I actually yelled at him for the flowers at first because I thought I could stop him from having feelings for me, I thought if he just thought of me as a friend he wouldnt have done something like that for me. I was putting up a wall much like I did with Jarod at first because after everything I had been through I couldnt stand to be hurt again. Eventually not only did I snap but so did this guy, we both said somethings to each other that never should have been said. Things that you dont say because you mean them, things you say because your upset and didnt really think before you spoke. We went our different ways and life went on I guess. Somethings after the fact were said, me hanging out with other guys, even just guy friends upset him just a bit and more things you say because your angry and didnt think were said. He became friends with my family when we started hanging out and he continued to be friends with them when we parted ways. He was at my parents house one night about 3 weeks ago and neither one of us said anything to the other, I was so mad he was there and for the life of me I have no clue why. It brought back memories I'm not proud of from mine and Jarods relationship though. When Jarod and I broke up we acted much like this guy and I were acting. While Jarod was very close to my family and hung out over at my parents house often, I didnt like that and had the most childish fits when he would be there, I felt like he was trying to take them away from me. That was never the case but I tended not to think before I spoke at the time. I was seeing all the things I regretted with Jarod re-played right before my eyes. It all of a sudden became so clear to me what I was doing, making the same mistakes I did with Jarod. This certain guy and I made peace with each other that night. I want to learn from the things I did wrong with mine and Jarods relationship, and as much as I fight with the thought of being in a relationship with someone other than Jarod I cant ignore whats happening right now. I cant ignore the fact that this person reminds me so much of Jarod for a reason, what that reason is I might never know. We kind of just played it cool for a little while talked on the phone here and there and up until a few days ago hadnt seen each other since the night at my parents house. While talking to him on the phone the other day he asked if I wanted to go get something to eat and I agreed. We hung out and had a great time as we always did before. I'm very comfortable around this person I feel like he gets me. I dont have to be anyone other than me. When I left to go home that night I got in the car and started to drive waiting for the uncontrolling guilt to hit me. And then I realized for the first time since I lost Jarod I didnt feel bad for hanging out with another guy. I didnt feel like I was cheating because I enjoyed the company of another person. At the moment a song came on the radio that I can only take one way, as a sign. The song "whats left of me" by Nick Lache was playing, if you've never heard it you would have to look up the lyrics to understand why it seems like such a sign to me. For the first time in the past 9 months I felt at peace with the thought of letting someone else in. I dont understand what made me feel this way, I dont even know where it came from.

The friend I sat down with last night put a few things into perspective that I knew but maybe didnt want to believe. I tend to over think things and worry about things I have no control over. I stress about to many small aspects in life and when the big stuff hits I feel overwhelmed and dont know what to do. I need to not sweat the small stuff, and for once go with a feeling. I need to actually follow my heart this time and not let my head talk me out of it. I need to take the chance on letting someone else into my life. Jarod wouldnt want me to be alone and I know this, the thought of losing him such a short time ago still bothers me though. I dont want people to look at me like wow shes moving on already, how can she have truly loved him and just push it to the side and be with someone else. Thats not the case I loved Jarod with all my heart and a part of me will always be with him. Its something I just cant explain to anyone. Jarods mom told me not to long ago that I have my whole life ahead of me and I need to live it. So maybe I'll take her advice, maybe I'll worry about making me happy for once instead of stressing out about what everyone else thinks of me. Maybe I'll just go with this feeling and take a chance I guess it couldnt hurt. What do I have to lose? I dont think I could go any lower then where I've been. You never know this could be a way for Jarod to show me its going to be ok. I guess I just have to wait and find out.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Things I've learned

I've learned a lot in the past nine months that I maybe knew before but never truly understood. I've learned goodbyes will always hurt. Pictures will never replace having been there. Memories good or bad will bring tears, and no words will ever replace those feelings! I've learned no matter how many times I roll over in the morning hes never going to be laying next to me. No matter how many times the phone rings it will never be his voice on the other end. The darkness is temporary, but it always comes back. I've learned that life will never be the same. It may change its form but its still life. It is what you make it, and sometimes you have to change it to make it work for you. Its not perfect and it never will be, no matter what you do or how hard you try things you never wanted or expected are going to happen. I've learned that someday I might fall in love again, but theres still a possibility I wont. I know there are times life may bring me great joy but I'm sure I will have to endure sorrow again also. Without suffering there would be no compassion in the world, but I will never understand why some people suffer so much more than others. I've been told God never gives you more than you can handle, well I dont think thats the case. If it were true no one would ever take there own life. Some would say those people were just cowards, but until you've felt like you have nothing else to live for you can not judge those people only be there for them. I've learned depression is more than just feeling sad. It takes hold of your whole body. Its a pain greater then physical pain, you cant really say what hurts because it all hurts. You cant sleep or eat, at times it hard to breath and you feel as though this feeling will never go away. Lifes to short to wake up in the morning with regret, so you have to love the people who treat you right, forget about those who dont, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it, if it changes your life let it. Nobody said that this journey was going to be easy, they just promised it might be worth it!

Monday, October 12, 2009

The darkness

I hate nights like this. I hate the darkness and I hate being all alone. My dog helps a little, I dont feel quite so alone. I know hes here with me. Sometimes I can feel him there, but when the anxiety of being alone kicks in not even him being there can save me. This feeling washes over me and it almost feels like I am drowning. I cant sleep and its hard to breath. When I get upset its even harder to be here alone, but I know I dont have a choice. I havent had a break down in a while now. Not one of this stature. I have this unbelievable urge to go running, it seems to be a release to me in a way. When I'm running nothing else matters. I feel like I'm running to him like hes just around the corner and all I have to do is push myself a little farther. But it doesnt matter how far I push myself hes never there., and hes never going to be there. On nights when I'm really upset or had a really bad day I just want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him all about my shitty day. I still havent taken his number out of my phone. I got a new phone a few months ago and I added it right back in with all my other contacts. Every time I go looking for a J name there he is at the top of the list. Right after he was killed I just wanted to call him I wanted him to tell me it wasnt true, he was fine and he'd be home soon. But I couldnt do it, I felt like if he didnt answer it would seal that fact that hes gone. Seeing his name on the head stone when I went to the cemetery this last time was really tough. It made it so final. It was something I dont know if I was truly ready for. I still tell myself all the time that this is just one big terrible dream and I'm going to wake up any second, but even while I'm gasping for air, when I would normally wake up in a dream, I'm still there, stuck in the horror of it all , I cant wake up. Very few people truly understand me these days. I go from being on top of the world to hitting rock bottom in the blink of an eye. I've been really good for a while so I havent been writing. I dont want everything I always write to be these terrible depressing entries.Thats not my whole life but a large part of it for the last amost 9 months now. So maybe in the next week if things get better I'll tell you about the good things in my life. I guess every things not terrible, depressing and dark like these nights. I just wish I didnt have these nights, I can deal with break downs during the day but for some reason it always all comes out at night and it just doesnt feel like its going to end. I'm terrified to fall asleep. When I'm upset I'm always worried I'm going to have nightmares about that morning. I just dont want to relive it anymore. I'll never forget what happen and I'll never forget what it felt like to see him laying there, but when those feelings come back they are so real, they are too real, and I have a hard time finding a way to lock them back up again.