Monday, October 12, 2009

The darkness

I hate nights like this. I hate the darkness and I hate being all alone. My dog helps a little, I dont feel quite so alone. I know hes here with me. Sometimes I can feel him there, but when the anxiety of being alone kicks in not even him being there can save me. This feeling washes over me and it almost feels like I am drowning. I cant sleep and its hard to breath. When I get upset its even harder to be here alone, but I know I dont have a choice. I havent had a break down in a while now. Not one of this stature. I have this unbelievable urge to go running, it seems to be a release to me in a way. When I'm running nothing else matters. I feel like I'm running to him like hes just around the corner and all I have to do is push myself a little farther. But it doesnt matter how far I push myself hes never there., and hes never going to be there. On nights when I'm really upset or had a really bad day I just want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him all about my shitty day. I still havent taken his number out of my phone. I got a new phone a few months ago and I added it right back in with all my other contacts. Every time I go looking for a J name there he is at the top of the list. Right after he was killed I just wanted to call him I wanted him to tell me it wasnt true, he was fine and he'd be home soon. But I couldnt do it, I felt like if he didnt answer it would seal that fact that hes gone. Seeing his name on the head stone when I went to the cemetery this last time was really tough. It made it so final. It was something I dont know if I was truly ready for. I still tell myself all the time that this is just one big terrible dream and I'm going to wake up any second, but even while I'm gasping for air, when I would normally wake up in a dream, I'm still there, stuck in the horror of it all , I cant wake up. Very few people truly understand me these days. I go from being on top of the world to hitting rock bottom in the blink of an eye. I've been really good for a while so I havent been writing. I dont want everything I always write to be these terrible depressing entries.Thats not my whole life but a large part of it for the last amost 9 months now. So maybe in the next week if things get better I'll tell you about the good things in my life. I guess every things not terrible, depressing and dark like these nights. I just wish I didnt have these nights, I can deal with break downs during the day but for some reason it always all comes out at night and it just doesnt feel like its going to end. I'm terrified to fall asleep. When I'm upset I'm always worried I'm going to have nightmares about that morning. I just dont want to relive it anymore. I'll never forget what happen and I'll never forget what it felt like to see him laying there, but when those feelings come back they are so real, they are too real, and I have a hard time finding a way to lock them back up again.

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