Wednesday, September 16, 2009

8 months

Today marks 8 months. I hate thinking about it. I hate the fact that hes not here anymore. I hate being alone in our house every night when I know he should be there with me. I hate waking up every morning rolling over and finding no one there. Even though I know in my mind its not going to happen my heart is still waiting for him to walk through the door. As I look back and think about what would be going on now if he was still here it kind of makes me feel sick. Not sure if I mentioned it before but Jarod told my Mom, and several other people, that he was going to ask me to marry him on Valentines day this year. Which means if he was still here we would be planning a wedding right now. Sometimes I like to imagine what that day would have been like. I think about how I would have felt when he asked me, how I would have felt the day I walked down the isle towards him, would I have been scared to start this whole new life with him? I fight all the time with the reasons hes gone. I don't know how him not being here is the best thing. I was listening to the radio the other day and a song by Pink called "who knew" came on the radio, and it fits perfectly. Who knew this would happen? Who could ever imagine this would happen? Its turned not only my life upside down but so many others. I got to go to the cemetery today. Its the first time I've been since his birthday in April. Mike when with me since I couldn't go alone. Hes one of the officers at Boston Heights. Its the first time I saw his head stone, its beautiful! Standing there staring at that stone made it feel so final. Ive had a really hard time accepting that all this is real. Even at the calling hours and funeral I didnt want to believe it. The person laying in the casket just couldnt be Jarod. So now standing looking at this stone made me feel like this was it. There was his name just staring up at me. Mike and I stood there for almost an hour. I was pretty upset at first and as we stood there we started talking about all the things Jarod used to do. We swapped stories for a bit and we laughed and it made me feel not quite so upset. Tomorrow is the 1st annual Jarod M. Dean memorial ride. I really hope everything goes well, I know he would be so proud if he were still here.