Tuesday, January 19, 2010

One year

Today marked one year. Wow is about all I can say. I woke up this morning for the first time at 5:30 the exact time he was killed. Part of me wanted to drive to route 8 to that spot, but I talked myself out of it. I cried myself to sleep last night knowing what today was. It still doesnt feel real, and I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I didnt stay at home last night, I just couldnt bring myself to wake up to that empty house much like I did that morning. I couldnt sit on the couch where my dad told me, and I couldnt walk through the hallway where I collapsed in tears after my dad had left. Every single emotion has never gone away in fact they are still right there just under the surface waiting for that moment to resurface. I go days even weeks with out being upset and crying now. Each day I find new strengths I didnt have before. I cant look past all the good thing that happen in my life this year. There have been several. I have a whole new bunch of friends that are there to look out for me. Its amazing to know how many people are there for me. Today was pretty rough at times. There was a ceremony at the memorial in Boston Heights. It was nice. Standing there in the cold I think was the hardest, not because of the cold but because all I had to do with close my eyes and there I was standing in the cemetery the day of his funeral. You could hear it that same calm that was there that day. Knowing how cold it was, feeling my body shake and not really caring. Just one of those things you never forget. After the ceremony I went with my parents and my sisters to the cemetery. Standing there was unreal. Its the first time I had been since September. I really wish I could go more often, there are days I would love to just go sit there and talk to him. Tell him about all the things that upset me in life and how much I really miss him. I had a friend tell me the other day that this day, this anniversary, this mark, its just a day we all choose to put emphasis on, that we need to move past mourning his loss and celebrate how he lived. And hes right, we need to be looking at all the wonderful things Jarod did with his life, all the lives he helped. He loved the kids. That was his favorite was the kids at the school. He was like a big kid himself so he connected with those kids like no one else. And his job, he lived for his job. I've never seen anyone love being a cop as much as he did. So I guess I end my thoughts on today on this one year mark as this, Jarod was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He would do anything in the world for you if you asked. His kindness and generosity will never be forgotten. I miss him more then any words could ever express. This year I'm going to try my hardest to continue his legacy, to make sure that no one ever forgets who he was and what an amazing man he was. Jarod you have my heart and always will, I love you!

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