Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I can feel him there

There have been several times since Jarod was killed that I could feel him near me. Yes I know it sounds crazy but i do. I talk to him all the time too. When ever I feel upset or frustrated I talk to him or if I do something really stupid I yell at him because I know hes laughing at me like he always did. If people saw me when I'm all alone at home you would really think I was insane. There will be nights I lay in bed and it just feels like someone is there in the same room with me. It really scared me at first because I live by myself, but after countless nights of getting up and sweeping the house to make sure no one was there I realized what it was I feeling, Jarod.

I practically lived with my parents for a month after Jarod died, I just couldn't stand to be at home by myself. I started sleeping on their couch but my sister made me a bed in her room on the floor which I like more because I was close to someone. I remember waking up Wednesday morning after everything happen. When I first opened my eyes I was looking at the TV. At first glace it looked like someone was standing in the corner of the room behind me. I closed my eyes and looked again, still the same image was reflecting off the TV screen. I knew right away what it was I was seeing. I wasn't scared I actually felt at peace. Calling hours started the next day so I hadn't actually seen him yet but there he was, in uniform like he always was when he would come seem me at night while he was working. It was almost like he was telling me he was ok, that I didn't need to worry he was in a better place now, he had a bigger job to do. I tried so hard not to blink, I didn't want him to go away but the minute I did he was gone. I really thought I was crazy after that, I thought losing Jarod had made me crazy. Could I want someone so bad that I was thinking I saw him? That wasn't the only time I thought I was crazy, in fact in the past 7 months I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind.

I go to school at Kent State, and for the past few years I have been taking night classes which I don't really like but you do what you have to. I was leaving class one night about a month after everything. I had got to school late and had to park in the visitors lot in order to get to class on time. There really was no one around, and it was dark, and very very cold. I was in such a rush to get to class I accidentally dumped my purse out in the car trying to get my stuff together. My dad had given me pepper spray which Jarod had always insisted I take everywhere with me! There was never a time I went anywhere and it wasn't in my purse or my coat pocket. Well sure enough when I knocked my purse over it fell out. There I was leaving class on one of the darkest coldest nights in February and I had nothing to protect me if something were to happen. I tried to walk quick and get to the car as fast as I could. As I walked down the hill I had this feeling someone was behind me. I kept turning around to find no one there, but the feeling someone was following me didn't go away. I suddenly felt a little bit warmer like someone had put their arms around me. I smiled and started to walk a little slower, I was no longer worried about someone following me.

I was given a poem, a few days before the funeral, from Jarods friend Chris. It was called Pennies from Heaven.

Pennies from Heaven
Today I found a penny,
Just lying on the ground.
But its not just a penny
this little coin I found.
Found pennies come from heaven
Thats what my Grandpa told me,
He said angels toss them down,
oh how I loved that story.
He said when an angel misses you
they toss a penny down.
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
and make a smile from your frown.
So don't pass by that penny
when your feeling blue,
It maybe a penny from heaven
that and angel has tossed to you!
Never in a million years would I think a poem was so true, until I experienced it. I find pennies in the strangest places now. I'll be looking at something look away and when I look back theres a penny. The very first time I found a penny after Jarod died I actually found 3. I was having a really bad day, I was cleaning my house and it seemed like I kept finding all these things that were Jarods. I was going through some laundry and putting clothes away when I found 3 pennies in the bottom of a drawer full of shirts. Of course I started crying even harder but I cried with the biggest smile on my face. Things like that happen all the time after that, I remember stubbing my baby toe on the edge of the couch leaving the house one day. I yelled super loud and said alot of bad words. As I jumped around I looked over and right in front of my TV stand was a penny, heads up just laying there. I remember looking up at the ceiling and saying "bastard! That wasn't funny" for the next 3 weeks every time I would start getting upset about something I would stub that toe again, he always did have that sick sense of humor. That's something I really miss, he always knew how to make me smile even when he had just pissed me off.

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