Sunday, February 7, 2010
Two nights ago I was so utterly upset I didnt know what to do with myself. I feel like I've been moving backwards these days. I dont know what is causing it, if anything I feel like life has gotten a little better, I've less stressed then I have been in the last several months. Things are going good for me. At least I think they are, but something is there that I havent ever felt before. Something I could deal with I guess if I just knew what was triggering these moments. I went from going days without breaking down into tears to doing it 3 or 4 times a day again. No one really gets it. I try to put in a strong face for everyone around me but I'm really having a rough time the last few weeks. Everything I did before to make me feel better doesnt help. I started working out again which helped me so very much after Jarod was killed. It used to be my escape, when I was running I wasnt trapped in that world of hurt and pain I was free and happy. Its still my escape but instead of being alright and feeling better after I dont I go right back to feeling helpless. I'm so lost. I cant explain it, nothing makes the pain stop. Being alone sucks, and its just gotten worse. I used to be ok by myself, I had stuff I could do to keep myself busy, there was even a period there where I felt I could relax and just enjoy alone time but these days I have reverted back into my panic attacks about being by myself. Two nights ago I did something I told myself I wasnt going to do. I took my sleep meds that were given to me right after Jarod was killed. I was so upset and so worked up that I just didnt want to feel that way anymore and I figured if I could just sleep Id be ok. I only took half of the amount the doctor told me to, I hate taking meds. I told myself I didnt need those stupid pills, I told myself I was stronger then that and I wouldnt take them. I had to break the seal on the bottle. I hate myself for taking them. I just didnt want to hurt anymore. I know that it would probably help to go and see a doctor about how I feel but I dont have insurence and wont be able to pay for something like that. I just dont understand it, and that makes it worse. I just want to feel ok again, I would even settle for not feeling at all. I would rather be numb then feel like this.