Sunday, December 26, 2010

catch up

Its been almost a year since the last time I updated this. Wow where to begin... well a second Christmas has passed with out him. This year was just as hard as last. I was doing really well there for several months. I started seeing someone this summer. I thought at the time he was really amazing, turns out he was the biggest waste of my time I've experienced in a long time. Where I thought he understood he really didnt. I have to say he was really good at pretending though. Found out on my birthday this year he was cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. Oh well life goes on I suppose. Life will never be the same without Jarod here. There is this void I feel like I just cant fill, no matter what I put there. I've really been having a hard time the last month, not sure what the cause of it is, stress maybe. I feel more alone then ever, my friends and family are there and everyone keeps trying to help me but for some reason I feel like I'm slipping farther and farther away. I feel like no one gets it, no one understands, and the few that do are dealing with the same thing and I dont want to bother them. I've tried so hard these days to "fix" myself. I hate the continuous failing feeling I have all the time. I always one step behind where I need to be, inches from the finish line, everything right within my grasp and I just cant get it. I feel so incredibly screwed up, crazy, like I cant believe I still feel like this. Sometimes I think I should be ok by now, that yeah its hard but I need to go on with my life. I've tired dating lately went out with a few guys. They were really nice and sweet and kind but they just arent Jarod and I know I'm never going to find Jarod again but I just cant shake the feeling I have that its not the same. Even Ryan who I dated this summer, I enjoyed the escape of not having to deal for a few months but then it all just came crashing down. I went to the cemetery a few months back, alone, which i know I'm not supposed to but sometimes I just need to be there. I sat for over and hour and just talked to him, cried to him, asked him to help me be ok again. I've really questioned my faith this past year. I just dont know what its going to be that brings me back. I'm so angry with God that I'm questioning whether or not he is even real. The very last time I prayed to God was the night before Jarod got killed. I asked him to keep Jarod safe and to help fix things between us, to make us what we were before. I woke up the next morning and was told he was dead. It just doesnt make sense that if he cared so much that the one thing I would ask for I would get the opposite. I'm bitter, I'm bitter and pissed off and nothing anyone says to me makes that any different. I've gone to church a few times but I go cause it means something to my mom. I only go for important events like Easter and Christmas but I dont participate and I dont pray. The only thing that keeps me holding on to any belief is the thought that I if its all not real then I will never be able to see Jarod again, that when I talk to him I'm just talking to myself, that when I feel something there its not him. I dont want to believe it and I wont, but at the same time I dont want to believe that a loving and all powerful God would let something terrible happen to such an amazing person.
I transferred schools this year. Started at The University of Akron this fall. One of the biggest reasons I transferred was because thats where Jarod went to school. Thats where he graduated the academy at. Id never tell anyone else that, I always just tell them its cause I hate Kent State which I do but that wasnt the reason I left. I find myself clinging to every little piece of Jarod these days like I can feel him slipping away. I know he isnt cause I still feel just the same about him. I guess when they say you dont realize what you have till its gone they mean it. I really should be making more out of life right now. These are supposed to be the best days of my life right now. I'm able to go out and have a good time and not have to worry as much about responsibilities of life and yet all I want to do is stay home and be a home body. I started running again which really seems to help. As I think I've said before running is my release. I start and nothing else matters, I'm in a totally different world. The physical pain doesnt bother me cause the emotional pain is so much greater. I've become numb to alot of good things these days. It just doesnt seem fair that all I can feel is pain and sadness. There are very few times I feel truly happy anymore. I just wish for a few hours I can feel like I did before we lost him. Thats all I want, a few hours of normality again. Maybe this next year I will find out how to do that.

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