Thursday, December 30, 2010
At this very moment in my life I have never felt more alone then I do right now. Since the first day I moved back in to my place after Jarod was killed I felt this overwhelming feeling of alone. I tried to find things to do to keep myself occupied but nothing seemed to help. I started running alot and being at the gym all the time but nothing I did seemed to get rid of the feeling. I started hanging out with a friend of a friend and I just felt guilty so I agreed to just be friends with him. Its been almost 2 years now since Jarod has been gone and I feel more alone now then when he was killed. I cant let myself get close to anyone because it just doesnt feel right. Most of my friends have other things to do so I'm just left to try and do things myself. I feel like there were so many people there after Jarod was killed and now I have no one. If any of my friends read this they would all be like well all you had to do was ask...Why do I have to ask? True friends are there because they know something is wrong. True friends wasnt to be part of your life whether they have other things going on in their lives or not. Not once this Christmas season did any of my friends ask if I was doing ok, not once did anyone ask if I needed to talk or if I was having a hard time. I guess part of that is my fault cause well I'm very good at putting on a pretty face and going on with my life like nothing is wrong. I'm just so sick of being by myself all the time. There hasnt been a time I hated the guy that hit Jarod more then this moment right now. He took everything away from me. By now Jarod and I would be married and possibly have a baby. And there is nothing more I want in my life right now then a sense of normality. Unfortunately I'm the farthest I could be from it. I wanted 2011 to be better then any year I've had in a really long time, I was going to make it better, I was going to make sure it was amazing! Well I just dont see that happening anymore. I'm going to try my best but I have a feeling its going to end up just the same as this year, I will most likely spend most of my time alone, at my house with my dog. Its not as easy as it is for all my friends to go out and have a good time and they just dont understand that, but it would be nice if anyone at least tried!